Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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