When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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