Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
