By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
