Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
