It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
