Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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