This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Drake has all the answers
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
