Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
