Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
