Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
