Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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