someone threw a dead crab at me
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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