i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
