I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
