he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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