fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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