I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
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