True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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