someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
where are you?
Hypothermia
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
