why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
