I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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