Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
