I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
