Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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