Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just googled if crying burns calories
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
