You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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