I cannot find my penis.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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