UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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