So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
