My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
