oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
