I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
