That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
