I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
