What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
