I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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