you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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