9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize