Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
