Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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