had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We have started to decorate penises.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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