he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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