I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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