you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
