just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
