the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
