you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
