I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
