I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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