My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
