Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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