I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
