Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
