ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
