I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
