do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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