saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
